For our final week discussing writing speed, I wanted to address what comes after a draft is finished. No matter how quickly or slowly you write a short story/novella/novel, you’ll need to edit it afterwards. I’m a fast writer—it takes me 3-5 months of consistent effort to write an 120,000-word first draft. But often, writing quickly means I dump information into the narrative in an unnatural way, or speed through dialogue that needs to be slowed down later, in my revisions.
So, this week, we’ll take a look at a passage from the novel I’m currently querying. I’ve put the first draft version, notes about what I addressed in my editing, and the version that made it into my final draft.
First Draft:
Saiya didn’t remember sunshine being warm. In all her memories, it was a bleak, watery, rare thing. Here, on the dirt road into Azuenne, it was a golden, living shower that bathed her in comfort. The fields to either side of her were vibrant with color, and there were large, soft-looking clouds in the blue sky. She heard birdsong instead of the dead, muffled silence of the forest. It was unnerving, and it made her angry.
The girls were to enter the city separately, staggered out so no one would link them to each other– or to Avery. Saiya was third to arrive, after Rhett and before Indra, but Avery had been overly cautious to worry about them being seen. So many people were pouring into the city, to attend the tourney or compete in it, that it was easy to get lost in the crowd.
Her horse was a temporary gift from Avery, and the chestnut mare was docile and obedient. It kept up a steady pace as she cleared the ends of the fields and approached the city gates.
A knight was guarding the gates, questioning all those who waited to enter. Saiya felt her usual flash of disdain for the pompous fool. Knighthood required being trained and sponsored by an established knight, so it was rare for anyone without the proper social connections to become a squire. Lordship and knighthood tended to overlap for that reason. Aside from that, they only learned from one person until they proved themselves spirited and honorable enough to earn the title of knight.
Avery’s girls had studied under countless experts. Knife-throwing, swordfighting, survival training, poisons and antidotes, hand-to-hand combat. They had been given only the best in each, and could easily outperform the ornamental ‘fighters’ that called themselves knights. Saiya had gutted one herself a few years ago, when she’d been camping on the mountains and he’d wandered too close and asked too many questions. Perhaps the ones that came from nobility and had trained throughout youth would prove to be more of a challenge.
She doubted it.
“What’s your business in the city?” The knight asked her as she stopped in front of him. The man was in his middle years, his brown hair and beard flecked with gray. Like most Azuennians, he had light brown skin and eyes, and a suffocating sense of self-importance.
Saiya watched him impassively. “I’m competing in the tourney.”
“Name?”
“Saiya.”
“Last name?”
“Don’t have one.”
He glanced over her bag, strapped to her horse and filled with a meager collection of clothing, and the sword sitting on her hip. Saiya disliked heavy armor, and wore only a black leather chestplate over her tunic. “Azuenne is a place of peace,” he said finally, looking back up at her unfriendly scowl. “Cause any problems, outsider, and you will be swiftly dealt with.”
“I wouldn’t dream of disrupting your cozy little wonderland,” she said, and he narrowed his eyes as if trying to detect if she was being sarcastic. After a moment, he waved her through.
That passage was the opening to chapter four in my first draft; in subsequent revisions, it moved to chapter one, and became the opening of the entire novel when I cut my prologue. As I revised this passage, I focused on reducing the amount of info-dumping, both when it came to worldbuilding and about Saiya as a character.
Additionally, I tried to make setting descriptions a bit more vivid. For the dialogue, I broke up the rapid-fire back and forth with more character action and description. I also added a bit of tension by having Saiya be physically inspected by the officials at the gate, instead of passing through without having to “prove” her non-infected status.
Current Draft:
Saiya wasn’t accustomed to sunshine. For most of her life, it had been a watery, rare occurrence. But here, on the cobbled road into Azuenne, the sun showered the world in brilliance. The rolling golden hills were vibrant with bursts of purple wildflowers. Soft-looking clouds billowed in an unnaturally blue sky. Saiya heard birdsong instead of the dead silence of the forest. It was beautiful, and unnerving, and it made her furious.
Her irritability was worsened by the mass of people around her, waiting to enter the capital’s western gate. Crowds were also a novelty. She’d been standing in line for hours, holding the reins of the mare Avery had lent her and tapping her foot until she was called forward.
“Name?” the official at the gate asked. He had the same musical accent as Avery, that purposeful Azuennian diction, clear and bright.
“Saiya.”
“Last name?”
“Don’t have one.” The dark-skinned man quirked an eyebrow, and she gave him a saccharine smile. “I’m just a poor orphan, sir. Never knew my last name.”
“Hmph.” He wrote something on his scroll. “Age?”
“Twenty-five.”
“Physician Reynaud will check you.” He motioned to a pale, spectacled woman waiting in the shadows. “Hand your horse to one of the guards.”
Saiya complied, following the black-robed physician into a room set within the enormous wall. When the door shut, and they were alone in the lantern light, she felt her first twinge of unease. What if something had gone wrong—what if the physician wasn’t one of Avery’s? Saiya was positive she was supposed to enter through the western gate, today, but what if she were mistaken? What if the woman really did check Saiya’s spine? Would she be able to fight her way out of here? Her hand drifted instinctively to the sword on her hip.
The petite woman peered at Saiya with owlish brown eyes. “The other three are already in the city,” she said. “Avery wants me to reiterate that you are not permitted to speak with them.”
There you have it! Plenty of other changes happened in my drafts along the way: whole scenes and chapters were cut, or spliced into a different order, and new ones were added. This was the best side-by-side comparison of a (mostly) unaltered scene.
Whether you write quickly or slowly, you won’t write perfectly. You’ll go back to your work and find things you want to change, or add, or remove. The joy of writing is found by doing it in a way that works for you. So whether you write as slowly as Donna Tartt, or as quickly as Brandon Sanderson, make sure you’re writing stories you’re excited to tell.
That’s it for the month of May! June means the start of Introspective Ink’s summer hiatus, and an upcoming interview from Sue Clancy. It also means a move to Connecticut for me—wish me luck, for I’m drowning in boxes!
See you next time,
Allie
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Nicely done. Love the examples you showed. Makes me think, no know I have a ways to go before I sleep.!
Love the photo of all your Post-It notes. Who could live without Post It notes?! After a while of shuffling paragraphs around, I absolutely have to see it on paper. Even then, I am sometimes at a loss as to what goes where. I'm hoping my developmental edit is going to shine a light on some of the jungle trails I have throughout my memoir.